Being Assertive…

Quick and simple (and not necessarily easy) reminders

“Plume could not say that he was excessively well treated when traveling. Some people pushed past him without warning; others wiped their hands nonchalantly on his jacket. In the end he got used to this. He preferred to travel modestly. (…) He said nothing, made no complaint. He thought of those unfortunates who could not travel at all, whereas for his part he could travel, and traveled all the time.” — Henri Michaux, Plume voyage, 1938

Circle your favorite correct answer:

A. Assertiveness is expressed when one communicates clearly (thoughts, wishes, feelings) without aggressing, offending, despising, trying to manipulate others, breaking communication, nor passively submitting (fleeing or giving up).

B. Being assertive means banging your fist loudly on the table (especially if you are a true alpha-man or a real super-hero).

C. Being assertive means wearing brightly colored socks to work on Mondays.

D. Let’s dare to suggest that the correct answer is A, if it’s ok with you.

But why would anyone ever seek to develop, train and cultivate their own assertiveness when they suspect it’s a risky endeavor?…

• Assertiveness is a part of the personal human potential, it is a prerequisite for self-actualization. By expressing and defending one’s rights without infringing on those of others, assertiveness helps build self-esteem (i.e. a sense of worth) and self-confidence (i.e. recognition of one’s own abilities).
• Assertiveness allows for constructive dialogues and debates, respecting everyone’s individuality, and as aggressive impulses can be contained, good, honest, and meaningful relationships with others can be more easily maintained.
• Assertiveness opens the way to negotiating compromises that are acceptable to oneself and to others.
• Assertive behavior reduces one’s general level of anxiety.

How to do it?

Having, as much as possible, a clear idea of one’s needs and limits is a good first step towards assertiveness.
When speaking about yourself, use more often the word “I” instead of “you” (Example: I am not telling you that you should do it, but that I think it’s an effective practice).

Back in the 1970s, assertiveness was defined as “emotional freedom”, and it is now commonly understood in terms of being a “social skill”. Assertive behaviors can therefore be trained through practice. Start small, practice, practice, practice.
Practice saying no (but not to this advice, only when it’s relevant).

“Life is about practice.” — Assertive assertion