Dare To Face the Ghosts from Your Past to Unlock Your Leadership Potential

The Haunted Lane, Melander & Bro., 1889

A Methodology of Action

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost.” — Ray Parker Jr., Ghostbusters Soundtrack, 1984

To best express your potential as a leader, it can be helpful to recognize your own “family ghosts,” understand how they influence your current behavior at work, and decide which ones to celebrate and which to leave behind.

Here’s how to do it.

First Phase: Identify Your Own Family Dynamics

Guided by the tenets of family-systems theory, six elements of family dynamics can be identified and that commonly play out in the workplace:

1. Values and beliefs
2. Roles
3. Secrets
4. Boundaries
5. Triangles
6. Expectations and mastery

1. Values and beliefs

Each family has a unique character that’s transmitted to children through a shared framework of values and beliefs. This framework, which determines the shoulds in a family, guides individual behavior, and defines the core identity of the family as a whole.

Take a moment to identify your family’s core values and beliefs.

- What shoulds went along with being a child in your family?
- Which ones have stayed with you?
- When have they served you well?
- When have they gotten in your way?
- When might the underlying assumptions be wrong?

2. Roles

All members in a family tend to play a role determined in part by their individual personality and in part by their family system’s need for dynamic equilibrium. A child might take on the role of decision-maker or breadwinner if adults have abdicated responsibility. The possibilities abound. Common roles include the jester, the troublemaker, and the brain.

Not surprisingly, the role you play in your family tends to be one that you fall into easily at work.

Think about how this applies to you.

- What roles did you play in your family when you were young?
- What were the roles of others in your family, and how did yours relate to theirs?
- How does that dynamic relate to the roles you now assume as an adult and a leader?
- When have your family roles been useful at work, and when have they held you back?

3. Secrets

Most families have secrets. Sometimes, everyone in the family knows them, but they aren’t shared with outsiders. Other times, only certain people know them, and they hide them from the others in the family. Secrets affect how family members communicate and act. They often involve substance abuse, sexual abuse, mental illness, sexual orientation, divorce, money, and other issues difficult to acknowledge and discuss.

Consider your family’s secrets growing up.

- What subjects or people were taboo?
- Who in your family was privy to the secrets?
- Which subjects continue to feel off-limits to you today?
- How do they affect your ability to lead?

4. Boundaries

Families differ significantly in the way in which they think about structure and boundaries. In some families, anything goes; showing up at dinner a half hour late with three friends in tow is just fine. In other families, rules are rigid and boundaries are never crossed; such families might not allow playdates after school and might deny food to any child who arrives five minutes late for a meal. Most families occupy a place somewhere in between.

Needless to say, people often find that they’re more comfortable in organizations that have boundaries like those of their families.
Consider your own situation.

- How would you characterize your family?
- Was it highly structured, with clear rules, roles, and decision-making authority?
- Or were things looser and more flexible, even chaotic?
- Were rules made and enforced only within the family, or did outside influences and ideas play a role?
- How did it feel to live in such a system, and in what ways might it have affected your leadership style and job choices today?

5. Triangles

It’s easy to think of family dynamics as a set of one-to-one relationships: a son fears his father; a sister overshadows her brother. But relationship triangles are very important in determining the dynamics of any family system. Parents might never scold or discipline a child when a grandparent is present. Or they might avoid their own conflicts by each complaining about the other to a child. Children are masters at the triangle game, often playing one parent expertly off the other to get what they want.

Think about the triangle patterns that characterized your family.

- Who formed the three sides?
- What patterns of behavior dominated?
- Can you see any patterns repeating themselves in your office and leadership behavior?
- Do they help or hinder you in your work?
6. Expectations and masteryAll parents have expectations of their children.
- What were the expectations of your family?
- Did you meet them?
- Are you still trying to?
- If you developed a sense of mastery in response to those expectations, within or outside your family, how did that make you feel?
- And how does it affect the way you now respond to expectations at work?

Second Phase: The Path to Change

Your “family ghosts” are a part of you. But the good news is that they don’t have to define you. If you can recognize the dynamics that shaped your early life, you can create a new developmental path for yourself.

Here are some helpful steps for doing that:

1. Identify your ghosts
2. Set a goal for change
3. Frame the goal properly
4. Develop new versions of yourself

1. Identify your ghosts

Review the questions we’ve posed, and jot down a summary of your family dynamics.
- What surprises you?
- What confounds you?

Some people like to compare notes with family members; others discuss their conclusions with friends or spouses.

When executives are asked to do this exercise, they may experience an “aha” moment, as if they finally understand how important pieces of their complex personality puzzle fit together. Some may feel relieved in this moment, and others feel ashamed, but in having the “epiphany”, they open themselves up to the possibility of change.

As you identify your ghosts, take note of why it might be difficult or scary to leave behind a cherished role or identity, even when you aspire to be different.

2. Set a goal for change

When you look at your summary, consider how your family ghosts affect you at work.

First, focus on the ways they help you.

Some ghosts make you resilient and are the pillars of your success. Celebrate and build on them.
After that, think about the ghosts that hinder you.

If you could exorcise one of them, which would it be?

What change would best help you become a more productive leader?

Neuroscience has taught us that the most effective way to change behavior is by creating new neural pathways rather than trying to get rid of old ones, so be sure to phrase your goal as an aspiration. It’s better to tell yourself, “Listen and encourage others to participate” rather than “Don’t hog all the attention,” because the first statement focuses on instilling a new behavior.

3. Frame the goal properly

Once you’ve identified your goal, make sure that it is framed in a way that will steer you away from your old triggers.

4. Develop new versions of yourself

Now that your goal is well framed, it’s time to take the first steps toward change.

As a start, gather clues about how your ghosts work.

- When do the negative ones take over?
- Are there predictable dynamics or triggers that summon them?
- When this happens, how does it affect the way you feel, think, and act?
- What scares you about change?

With a better understanding of when and why negative ghosts take over and how they impede your development, you’ll open up some space for self-reflection and change.

One way of doing this is to create what the leadership expert Herminia Ibarra calls “provisional selves” — new versions of yourself that do not set off your ghosts. The key here is to identify role models who are successful at doing what you want to do. It doesn’t matter if you know these people or not. Analyze everything you can about their behavior as it pertains to your challenge, and try to figure out how they met similar ones. Finding multiple role models is vital, because you want a whole range of behaviors to try without the interference of your ghosts.

Experimenting with new behaviors is not enough. Reflection is important too.

- Did your new ways of acting lead to positive changes?
- Or did your old thoughts and feelings still interfere?

By paying careful attention to your answers and cultivating self-awareness, you’ll understand better the impact your behavior is having on those around you, and you’ll begin to move in new directions. In doing so, you will contribute to unlock your unique leadership potential.
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Ultimately, leadership is about the ability to travel inwardly and outwardly along life’s trail, imagining the future that you want to create for yourself and your organization.

Reference: Family Ghosts in the Executive Suite, by Deborah Ancona and Dennis N.T. Perkins, HBR Magazine, January–February 2022.